Anyone here that has gone through a divorce?
if so what got you through it?
I'm going through one now, I know compared to a lot of worse things it is not really that bad. But can't help but get depressed. I have sought comfort with another girlfriend waiting for the process to be finished but I don't love her even though we get along good and all I really want to do is get back together with my wife, but she doesn't love me anymore.
Any tips on what to do? All my hobbies just become a chore instead of stress relieving. Work is the only place I feel good atm as I don't have time to think when working, but the problem and depression is just waiting for me back at my house.
Maybe there is no answer and it only takes time, but if you have any stories please share.
I am so sorry MS, I too have been through it, and regardless of level of love, it's still loss, and from what you've written, you loved her far more than I did my Ex. Again, sorry for the loss....
However, with that said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I believe God played a part in the demise of the relationship. (though I didn't know it at the time)
The path I shared with the Ex was definitely the wrong one, it was not me, though we shared it due to her ambitions for fame, fortune an power, neither of which I seek, but I was the vehicle she rode to get there.
But to make a long story short, I jump ahead 25 years and now live with the love of my life.
Ask God, he'll show you the direction you need to go. In the meantime, concentrate on you, what is best for you, what have you been putting off because she wasn't interested?
Now it's your time, take advantage of it.
Quote from: Solar on July 27, 2015, 06:17:15 AM
I am so sorry MS, I too have been through it, and regardless of level of love, it's still loss, and from what you've written, you loved her far more than I did my Ex. Again, sorry for the loss....
However, with that said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I believe God played a part in the demise of the relationship. (though I didn't know it at the time)
The path I shared with the Ex was definitely the wrong one, it was not me, though we shared it due to her ambitions for fame, fortune an power, neither of which I seek, but I was the vehicle she rode to get there.
But to make a long story short, I jump ahead 25 years and now live with the love of my life.
Ask God, he'll show you the direction you need to go. In the meantime, concentrate on you, what is best for you, what have you been putting off because she wasn't interested?
Now it's your time, take advantage of it.
I understand exactly where you are. I went through this about 20 years ago. Like Solar, I depended on God to get me through it. Although it has turned out best it was difficult going through it. Not that it easy, but try not to dwell upon it. Also, don't spend any time questioning what you could have done differently. That is very ineffective worrying.
Quote from: supsalemgr on July 27, 2015, 08:05:21 AM
I understand exactly where you are. I went through this about 20 years ago. Like Solar, I depended on God to get me through it. Although it has turned out best it was difficult going through it. Not that it easy, but try not to dwell upon it. Also, don't spend any time questioning what you could have done differently. That is very ineffective worrying.
Agree. There is no turning back time, it is, what it is for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be this way.
But MS, that doesn't mean you have to come to hate one another, cherrish the time you spent together, grow from the experience.
My first true love was with a beautiful girl, the kind all men search for, but after 5 years, we grew apart, our interests changed, our goals began to differ, her family had an ideal life set out for her, they were very wealthy, huge family, all girls.
They saw the same for her, huge family, I'd take over the family business, all office work, definitely not my style.
So things got rocky, but we were still best of friends, but she suggested we date other people, I explained I could not do that, so we quickly drifted in our own directions.
No blame to be had, just an amiocable parting, and to this day I have no regrets, only wonderful memories.
However, she turned bitter, bad mouths me at every opportunity, and that was more than 40 years ago.
Point is, for whatever reason, she decided to forget all the great times we spent together, and focused on hate, and that's too bad, because it still obviously consumes a part of her life.
So move on, keep the memories, they're yours to treasure.
You will grow from this experience, and don't blame yourself regardless of what you think you could have done differently.
MS
You have always had some of the most insightful comments here so it is a shocker to hear you are having marital problems. It is good to hear that you at least have the abiding love for your other that you started out with. Sometimes we are handed situations that we don't know how to handle and you have indicated this as much in your comments. Not one of us has had the same experience as you, similar maybe but not the same. This tells me that your solution will be the same, similar but not exactly like the solutions that all of us have come up with. One thing most of the comments agree on and that is to do some soul searching, and by all means ask God for His amazing grace to help you find the right path to take.
My story is different than some commented on here. I didn't take my time and search for the "right" one. I think I was in love with love or the idea most young girls have about love. I had everything to live for and my chances were as good as anyone elses. My character was in tact and I didn't want to make a mistake but I guess I was more interested in making a nest than what kind of nest it would be. Turns out the nest burned up because it was made in hell, pure hell. I didn't go with my husband long enough to find out what kind of person he really was. Not that it would have helped but I think I could have recognized bad character had I taken the time to do so. Lord knows I had every proverb preached to me while growing up and I applied these to myself. Little did I know that everyone had different rearings than I did. Mine was strict, his was scatterbrained. Reality is a hard teacher.
My first husband and I divorced after 12 years and 4 children later. There was love at first but then came the abuse which no free person should consent to so I left and stayed to myself until the last few years. I raised my children by myself with my parents nearby for moral support. I'm remarried to a retired military man and getting along couldn't be better. I've got a few health issues but I am in good hands with him. I'm retired, but he still works, a different kind of holic and he swears he'll work until he drops. He's got a good trade(Electrician) so we are comfortable. When he decides we need a break, we go to the mountains on retreat and look for bears! :smile:
What does your ex think about the girl friend? Wouldn't that possibly be a threat to any kind of reconsiliation with the ex? Does the new friend know that you still love your wife? Last question, where do you want us to send flowers and a sympathy card in case one them kills you? Situations like yours have been known to cause killings, so be careful. :wink:
In any case, good luck and peace be with you in making some tough changes in your life.
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 27, 2015, 04:28:20 AMMaybe there is no answer and it only takes time, but if you have any stories please share.
You didn't say how long this divorce has been going on, but it sounds to me like you are still mourning the loss of your marriage.
You also didn't give the reason for the break-up. Did you just drift or did she leave you for someone else? Kids involved?
Getting dumped, especially if you were unaware, can be a hard thing to get over. If I were you, and it was still hurting to where I was depressed, I would get some counseling. It's probably just a time thing, I'm sure there are stages you go through, just like grieving for someone when they die.
I don't know your spiritual situation, but I highly recommend finding a large church which likely has a small group of members who are going through divorce or have been divorced for years. They are a good support group for you at this time. Most churches now have these small support groups for divorcees.
Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.
Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.
The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.
The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)
Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well :smile:
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AM
Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.
Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.
The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.
The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)
Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well :smile:
Dealing with someone in denial can be very difficult. If she will not accept her condition there is nothing you can do to change that and it will only frustrate you further. It seems you are on the right track thinking about moving back to your home area. That is positive thinking and what is best for you.
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AM
Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.
Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.
The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.
The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)
Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well :smile:
OMG MS, I know the roller coaster ride you took being married to a bipolar.
I was married to one in denial and dated another years later.
The EX wife could be a world of joy, entertainment, fun beyond belief, but a Jekyll and Hyde could show up in an instant,
Ran into a beautiful girl years later, and I knew there was something wrong, because she was too good to be true, and after a month she showed her true colors, she showed an exact opposite image of the girl I'd met earlier, evil beyond belief.
Even her family said "Run Like Hell, she'll eat you alive and destroy your life, it's what she does"
But that was a worse case scenario, there are milder cases, but they all take you for a ride, because it's all about them, and screw everyone else, which I imagine you discovered.
Count your blessings MS, God knows you tried and forgives you.
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AMThe reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.
Several years ago I read a book about living with someone who has BPD, borderline personality disorder. There are a lot of similarities between BPD and being bi-polar. It was titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It's got to be very difficult living that way, not knowing from one minute to the next, what her behaviors are going to be. Marriage is tough enough, and it takes two to make it work. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for not sticking it out. We all have our limits, of what we can put up with. You should probably work on the guilt thing. Even if you went back with her and tried again, there are no guarantees she's going to want to get help or if it's even possible for her to change. It sounds like it would be a life long struggle.
Quote from: Dori on July 28, 2015, 07:37:48 AM
Several years ago I read a book about living with someone who has BPD, borderline personality disorder. There are a lot of similarities between BPD and being bi-polar. It was titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It's got to be very difficult living that way, not knowing from one minute to the next, what her behaviors are going to be. Marriage is tough enough, and it takes two to make it work. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for not sticking it out. We all have our limits, of what we can put up with. You should probably work on the guilt thing. Even if you went back with her and tried again, there are no guarantees she's going to want to get help or if it's even possible for her to change. It sounds like it would be a life long struggle.
Good advice.
In a large percentage of these cases, self medication is a serious problem, that only exacerbates the problem (drug abuse).
They YOYO in and out of depression, then medicate, get clean, only to crash in the future.
Quote from: Solar on July 28, 2015, 07:43:44 AM
Good advice.
In a large percentage of these cases, self medication is a serious problem, that only exacerbates the problem (drug abuse).
They YOYO in and out of depression, then medicate, get clean, only to crash in the future.
I don't think people are ever 100% diagnosed correctly, and getting the meds adjusted correctly is a constant on going process that has to be changed from time to time. Our body chemistries are always changing. People can develop a sensitivity to or the drugs just quit working altogether. Also, if there are other medical issues, the meds needed for those conditions can interfere with the others. There are no magic pills that can fix everything once and for all.
Quote from: Dori on July 28, 2015, 08:26:15 AM
I don't think people are ever 100% diagnosed correctly, and getting the meds adjusted correctly is a constant on going process that has to be changed from time to time. Our body chemistries are always changing. People can develop a sensitivity to or the drugs just quit working altogether. Also, if there are other medical issues, the meds needed for those conditions can interfere with the others. There are no magic pills that can fix everything once and for all.
What I was eluding to, and I should have just said it, was in many cases, these symptoms are self inflicted, exacerbated and created by drugs, which creates a myriad of symptoms because drugs rearrange the brains chemistry.
In a lot of these cases, as you pointed out, aren't classic cases, they can be influenced by depression, schizoid effects mixed with a history of violence, but the get mislabeled as bipolar, in turn mistreated, making certain symptoms worse, as we see with these massmurders going off their meds.
Sometimes treatment is worse than the original sin, especially when misdiagnosed.
It is eggshells but also a constant fear for any change in temperament meant I was in for it, for example one trigger was two teenagers laughing in the street of something, another trigger was me getting a phone message where a friend said "heya" so it can be anything and is impossible to predict.
I think I need to careful as to not get bitter myself as I come the conclusion that it is completely over, one part of me is just hoping for the impossible. So yeah yor are right Dori I need to work on overcoming my guilt since it will not be washed away by a reconciliation since that is not coming. But reading this thread I'm left very certain that it is for the better. I'm only 29 so like you said Solar I will count my blessings and view it as opportunity to start my thirties with a fresh start and more experience to handle a potential future relationship, maybe see where my current one will go, but I will take it real slow this time. Use the time for self betterment and exercise.
Thanks for your time and your stories, it really helps :smile:
The problem with bi-polar. They can have good days, off days, bad days and very bad days. (Weeks) It can not be control all the time even with med. Life is all about them, on good day your a great husband, on bad day look out it ALL your fault.
This can work the other way if the husband is bi-polar.
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 02:32:05 PM
It is eggshells but also a constant fear for any change in temperament meant I was in for it, for example one trigger was two teenagers laughing in the street of something, another trigger was me getting a phone message where a friend said "heya" so it can be anything and is impossible to predict.
I think I need to careful as to not get bitter myself as I come the conclusion that it is completely over, one part of me is just hoping for the impossible. So yeah yor are right Dori I need to work on overcoming my guilt since it will not be washed away by a reconciliation since that is not coming. But reading this thread I'm left very certain that it is for the better. I'm only 29 so like you said Solar I will count my blessings and view it as opportunity to start my thirties with a fresh start and more experience to handle a potential future relationship, maybe see where my current one will go, but I will take it real slow this time. Use the time for self betterment and exercise.
Thanks for your time and your stories, it really helps :smile:
You mention eggshells. I too have been there, it's called an abusive relationship.
People always think of the man as the abuser/aggressor, but that's BS, it's 50/50 statistically speaking, women can be just as cruel.
The problem with men, is they wind up emasculated in the end, and like women, can't leave the relationship, it's literally Stockholm syndrome, and it does require counseling, otherwise you might wind up in another because the cycle is hard to break.
We know women tend to seek out abusive men once they break away from the first, the stats simply aren't there for men returning to abuse, but it doesn't require a stretch to see men are equally as vulnerable.
What ever it was that attracted you in the first place, could be the one issue abusers all share, so you may want to seek help so as to avoid repeating the problem in the future.
One other point. These people are master manipulators, so be aware.
Mountainshield --- a sense of humor helps. Consider her your starter wife.
Quote from: quiller on July 29, 2015, 02:55:58 AM
Mountainshield --- a sense of humor helps. Consider her your starter wife.
Hehe yeah humor definitely helps :tounge: Been watching Rick & Morty as a pro. Hmm guess I can look at the divorce as an upgrade then moving from starter wife to pro wife, as long as I don't turn out like Bill from King of the Hill that is :laugh:
Quote from: Mountainshield on July 29, 2015, 10:24:38 AM
Hehe yeah humor definitely helps :tounge: Been watching Rick & Morty as a pro. Hmm guess I can look at the divorce as an upgrade then moving from starter wife to pro wife, as long as I don't turn out like Bill from King of the Hill that is :laugh:
Be sure and learn from your mistakes. That is critical at this juncture in your life.
We tend to repeat our mistakes. Be cautious and shrew in your future assessment of women!
What are the qualities a man wants in a wife? Men are attracted to pretty women, but sometimes that disappears when they open their mouth.
A few things that I think are most important in a relationship are trust, genuinely liking that person, and mutual respect. Unmet expectations can turn into anger too. That's why you really need to know, understand and accept that person before you can live together. Getting pre-marital counseling would help a lot of couples before they take the plunge. You get all that stuff worked out ahead of time.
Quote from: Dori on July 29, 2015, 11:29:57 AM
What are the qualities a man wants in a wife? Men are attracted to pretty women, but sometimes that disappears when they open their mouth.
A few things that I think are most important in a relationship are trust, genuinely liking that person, and mutual respect. Unmet expectations can turn into anger too. That's why you really need to know, understand and accept that person before you can live together. Getting pre-marital counseling would help a lot of couples before they take the plunge. You get all that stuff worked out ahead of time.
Yep, in a nutshell? A best friend.
Quote from: kroz on July 29, 2015, 10:49:00 AM
Be sure and learn from your mistakes. That is critical at this juncture in your life.
We tend to repeat our mistakes. Be cautious and shrew in your future assessment of women!
Maybe i got enough the first time around because my "sheriff" is nothing like the kid's dad, directly opposite. Or, maybe the chore and absolute joy of raising these kids on my own was enough to keep me occupied and out of harms way of maybe another dud. That really bothered me about how i made such a horrible choice the first time. The only thing I took from that relationship was 4 beautiful, smart kids and I've never been disappointed in any of them. I think that making such a wrong choice kept me from trying it again as long as i had kids at home. I was too afraid that they might be hurt by a wrong choice on my part. It worked out anyway.
Quote from: keyboarder on July 29, 2015, 01:36:33 PM
Maybe i got enough the first time around because my "sheriff" is nothing like the kid's dad, directly opposite. Or, maybe the chore and absolute joy of raising these kids on my own was enough to keep me occupied and out of harms way of maybe another dud. That really bothered me about how i made such a horrible choice the first time. The only thing I took from that relationship was 4 beautiful, smart kids and I've never been disappointed in any of them. I think that making such a wrong choice kept me from trying it again as long as i had kids at home. I was too afraid that they might be hurt by a wrong choice on my part. It worked out anyway.
You're a smart lady, key. Don't be too hard on yourself for the first mistake.
Focusing on your kids was the right thing to do!! My Dad remarried too soon after my Mom's death. I was just ten at the time and he thought he had to have a woman to raise his daughters and take care of the home. He had a business to run and didn't have a clue how to run a household. Unfortunately there were many bumpy years ahead for him and the entire family.
Don't ever second guess your decision to focus on your kids. They will be a blessing to you for the rest of your life.
Divorce is tougher on men because they don't have the social network that women have to tap into. Get back in touch with your friends and it will help.
Quote from: hobbsforever on August 08, 2015, 11:35:47 AM
Divorce is tougher on men because they don't have the social network that women have to tap into. Get back in touch with your friends and it will help.
So, why don't men have a social network?
Women are good about reaching out and helping others..... which builds friendships.
Men, not so much so. :ohmy:
Quote from: kroz on August 08, 2015, 12:22:43 PM
So, why don't men have a social network?
Women are good about reaching out and helping others..... which builds friendships.
Men, not so much so. :ohmy:
I think it is men are not so into sharing difficult situations except with unusually close friends. I have always been amazed at how much women share with other women about their personal situations. It is just a "man thing" I guess.
Quote from: supsalemgr on August 08, 2015, 01:54:02 PM
I think it is men are not so into sharing difficult situations except with unusually close friends. I have always been amazed at how much women share with other women about their personal situations. It is just a "man thing" I guess.
If find most woman need to talk about problems, for ways to handle things. Most men just do it and don't even talk about it unless ask, then it is said in very few. My wife would ask what did you just say. I would have to stop and talk to her about it for and hour(s). Men would just say ok.
Quote from: walkstall on August 08, 2015, 02:20:02 PM
If find most woman need to talk about problems, for ways to handle things. Most men just do it and don't even talk about it unless ask, then it is said in very few. My wife would ask what did you just say. I would have to stop and talk to her about it for and hour(s). Men would just say ok.
Women are definitely a lot more verbal than men.
..... and it can get us into problems sometimes..... :toungsmile:
Just let time be on your side. The more time that passes, the better life gets.
Don't feel guilty, things happen.
Quote from: kroz on August 08, 2015, 02:39:31 PM
Women are definitely a lot more verbal than men.
..... and it can get us into problems sometimes..... :toungsmile:
...starting with the words, "What's an apple?"
Quote from: quiller on August 09, 2015, 01:47:18 AM
...starting with the words, "What's an apple?"
Nope, she never asked that question. :biggrin:
A lie told a thousand times becomes truth. There were no apples!! :wink:
Quote from: kroz on August 09, 2015, 04:11:44 AM
Nope, she never asked that question. :biggrin:
A lie told a thousand times becomes truth. There were no apples!! :wink:
"Wanna touch my belly button"? Yeah, us guys have all fell for that one. :biggrin: :wink:
Quote from: kroz on August 08, 2015, 02:39:31 PM
Women are definitely a lot more verbal than men.
..... and it can get us into problems sometimes..... :toungsmile:
Yep, they talk about twice as much as men. I noticed this with my kids too.
Of course not everyone is the same, it's a general observation.
Men unfortunately look at women's need to vent about stuff, as being asked to fix a problem. What women say and what men hear are two different things.
Quote from: Dori on August 09, 2015, 08:39:30 AM
Yep, they talk about twice as much as men. I noticed this with my kids too.
It's more like 10 times as much. :lol:
QuoteOf course not everyone is the same, it's a general observation.
Thank you God.
QuoteMen unfortunately look at women's need to vent about stuff, as being asked to fix a problem. What women say and what men hear are two different things.
It only took me 5 years to figure that out. Now if the good wife needs something fixed she start out with I need you to fix this. Otherwise I know she needs to just vent sometimes.
I think with men if you ask what time it is. You do not have to tell them how to build a clock and how it works before you tell them what time it is.
Quote from: Dori on August 09, 2015, 08:39:30 AM
Yep, they talk about twice as much as men. I noticed this with my kids too.
Of course not everyone is the same, it's a general observation.
Men unfortunately look at women's need to vent about stuff, as being asked to fix a problem. What women say and what men hear are two different things.
Which is a reflection of how men view life. When a man approaches another man with perplexities, be it venting or perceived problems, it's a signal to other men that he is seeking help.
I'd say it's incumbent upon women to understand man, and not get angry when he offers help, it's never meant to be an insult, or appear Neanderthal in nature, he's just trying to help.
Quote from: Solar on August 09, 2015, 09:30:54 AM
Which is a reflection of how men view life. When a man approaches another man with perplexities, be it venting or perceived problems, it's a signal to other men that he is seeking help.
I'd say it's incumbent upon women to understand man, and not get angry when he offers help, it's never meant to be an insult, or appear Neanderthal in nature, he's just trying to help.
Another thing is, at least with me if I'm venting to close friends about a problem that I have it is because I want a solution. If my friends has none the answer is usually "yeah that sucks" and we change the subject. If it can't be fixed then it's better to stfu.
A thing I learned a little too late with my wife is she liked to vent about things for long times but it was not solutions she was after, it was just to vent and talk. It's hard to keep focus though when you have heard it 50 times before and she never want to try some of the solutions offered. I guess I just need to learn more patience.
Quote from: Mountainshield on August 10, 2015, 06:31:15 AM
Another thing is, at least with me if I'm venting to close friends about a problem that I have it is because I want a solution. If my friends has none the answer is usually "yeah that sucks" and we change the subject. If it can't be fixed then it's better to stfu.
Bingo!
QuoteA thing I learned a little too late with my wife is she liked to vent about things for long times but it was not solutions she was after, it was just to vent and talk. It's hard to keep focus though when you have heard it 50 times before and she never want to try some of the solutions offered. I guess I just need to learn more patience.
See, you're starting to get clarity already. It's a long process, but you'll get there very soon. I see evidence you're way ahead in the process. :thumbup:
Quote from: Mountainshield on August 10, 2015, 06:31:15 AM
Another thing is, at least with me if I'm venting to close friends about a problem that I have it is because I want a solution. If my friends has none the answer is usually "yeah that sucks" and we change the subject. If it can't be fixed then it's better to stfu.
A thing I learned a little too late with my wife is she liked to vent about things for long times but it was not solutions she was after, it was just to vent and talk. It's hard to keep focus though when you have heard it 50 times before and she never want to try some of the solutions offered. I guess I just need to learn more patience.
Brilliant!! :thumbsup:
Quote from: Solar on August 09, 2015, 09:30:54 AMI'd say it's incumbent upon women to understand man, and not get angry when he offers help, it's never meant to be an insult, or appear Neanderthal in nature, he's just trying to help.
But men are Neanderthals. :biggrin: It's their basic nature and their needs are pretty basic too. Too many women think they can change the things they don't like about men, to fit their way they thinking.
Quote from: Dori on August 10, 2015, 09:39:42 AM
But men are Neanderthals. :biggrin: It's their basic nature and their needs are pretty basic too. Too many women think they can change the things they don't like about men, to fit their way they thinking.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Yes, yes we are. We are actually quite simple creatures, some more so, than others.
Quote from: Solar on August 10, 2015, 09:47:52 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Yes, yes we are. We are actually quite simple creatures, some more so, than others.
I've noticed thru the years that men and women tend to try to consider each other's traits and ambitions, hobbies and pastimes and make them a part of their overall daily lives. I think that men and women should have their own hobbies and pasttimes. Women don't hesitate to spend an entire day at shopping. Men love nothing better than to enjoy their sports and or hunting. I think this kind of activity is important to each one and it should be their time to do what they like. As long as there is consideration for each other. Heck, some men love the shopping experience. I've been on hunting trips too.
You get to know each other thru the years and you should always respect each other. It has to be two-sided or it simply won't work.
I'm sitting here now waiting on the "sheriff" to do his daily thing and that is something I don't interfere with. I've got supper ready when he comes home from work everyday and he goes to his bathroom and spends approx. 1 hour to himself. He says that he has to have time for his bath and that this is how he relaxes. He wouldn't even care if supper was ready as long as he gets that hour in the bath. He tells me alot of times to be ready and we'll go out if I want to. That might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it is to me and I don't take him for granted. I can count on one hand the times that the first husband and I went out to eat and that was in 12 years of marriage.
Quote from: keyboarder on August 10, 2015, 04:17:27 PM
I've noticed thru the years that men and women tend to try to consider each other's traits and ambitions, hobbies and pastimes and make them a part of their overall daily lives. I think that men and women should have their own hobbies and pasttimes. Women don't hesitate to spend an entire day at shopping. Men love nothing better than to enjoy their sports and or hunting. I think this kind of activity is important to each one and it should be their time to do what they like. As long as there is consideration for each other. Heck, some men love the shopping experience. I've been on hunting trips too.
You get to know each other thru the years and you should always respect each other. It has to be two-sided or it simply won't work.
I'm sitting here now waiting on the "sheriff" to do his daily thing and that is something I don't interfere with. I've got supper ready when he comes home from work everyday and he goes to his bathroom and spends approx. 1 hour to himself. He says that he has to have time for his bath and that this is how he relaxes. He wouldn't even care if supper was ready as long as he gets that hour in the bath. He tells me alot of times to be ready and we'll go out if I want to. That might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it is to me and I don't take him for granted. I can count on one hand the times that the first husband and I went out to eat and that was in 12 years of marriage.
Sounds like you are a sensitive and caring lady that appreciates the little things in life. You are right that mutual respect is key to making any marriage work. It is wonderful that you have a great marriage now. All of us who do have great mates should remember to thank God every day for them. They are a blessing beyond all other blessings. A good spouse is hard to find...... and getting harder every day.
Quote from: keyboarder on August 10, 2015, 04:17:27 PM
I've noticed thru the years that men and women tend to try to consider each other's traits and ambitions, hobbies and pastimes and make them a part of their overall daily lives. I think that men and women should have their own hobbies and pasttimes. Women don't hesitate to spend an entire day at shopping. Men love nothing better than to enjoy their sports and or hunting. I think this kind of activity is important to each one and it should be their time to do what they like. As long as there is consideration for each other. Heck, some men love the shopping experience. I've been on hunting trips too.
You get to know each other thru the years and you should always respect each other. It has to be two-sided or it simply won't work.
I'm sitting here now waiting on the "sheriff" to do his daily thing and that is something I don't interfere with. I've got supper ready when he comes home from work everyday and he goes to his bathroom and spends approx. 1 hour to himself. He says that he has to have time for his bath and that this is how he relaxes. He wouldn't even care if supper was ready as long as he gets that hour in the bath. He tells me alot of times to be ready and we'll go out if I want to. That might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it is to me and I don't take him for granted. I can count on one hand the times that the first husband and I went out to eat and that was in 12 years of marriage.
I agree with you. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. However, we do little together outside the house. She plays tennis and bowls. I play golf. I don't go shopping and she doesn't want me to go as I make her nervous. When I need something I go "buying" - in and out. She loves movies and I do not. No problem as she has her daughter and a good friend to go to movies. OTOH, at home we are on the same page. We share chores and care for our dogs. I do the cooking and she does the eating. It is a wonderful life for both of us.
Quote from: supsalemgr on August 11, 2015, 05:09:22 AM
I agree with you. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. However, we do little together outside the house. She plays tennis and bowls. I play golf. I don't go shopping and she doesn't want me to go as I make her nervous. When I need something I go "buying" - in and out. She loves movies and I do not. No problem as she has her daughter and a good friend to go to movies. OTOH, at home we are on the same page. We share chores and care for our dogs. I do the cooking and she does the eating. It is a wonderful life for both of us.
Actually, my husband and I do almost everything together since he retired. Before that, I had a different schedule but our friends have always been mutual friends.... mostly from the church.
When we spent nine years in a motorhome on the road, we were almost never apart. Best buddies!
Now, we are both rather homebodies but I do get out occasionally by myself. The only place my husband goes without me is when he gets a hair cut! ..... and when he does his exercise routine... walking and cycling. I go to the gym more than he does now.
We only own one car! No need for another one because we are always together!
I divorced in 1997. We were very young when we got married, had two children. It was hard, it was an investment. What was interesting is he was a Lib and not even a good one. Election time was always a nightmare because he wouldn't register to vote. So, he'd make me promise I wouldn't vote. Of course, I'd make a bee-line for the polls and vote conservative. He'd have a sh!t fit and I'd laugh and laugh...
It needed to happen, the divorce.
I spent about 8 yrs single, never thought I'd want to be tied down again. Then met the man I love. He's a conservative! And the polar opposite of my children's father. We've been married now for just about as long as my first husband and I were married. It all worked out for us. I hope things work out for the OP too.
Quote from: Persephone on August 14, 2015, 06:45:56 PM
I divorced in 1997. We were very young when we got married, had two children. It was hard, it was an investment. What was interesting is he was a Lib and not even a good one. Election time was always a nightmare because he wouldn't register to vote. So, he'd make me promise I wouldn't vote. Of course, I'd make a bee-line for the polls and vote conservative. He'd have a sh!t fit and I'd laugh and laugh...
It needed to happen, the divorce.
I spent about 8 yrs single, never thought I'd want to be tied down again. Then met the man I love. He's a conservative! And the polar opposite of my children's father. We've been married now for just about as long as my first husband and I were married. It all worked out for us. I hope things work out for the OP too.
Good for you, persephone. I hope you live happily ever after! :biggrin:
Quote from: kroz on August 14, 2015, 06:58:09 PM
Good for you, persephone. I hope you live happily ever after! :biggrin:
Thank you
Quote from: kroz on August 11, 2015, 04:15:38 AM
Sounds like you are a sensitive and caring lady that appreciates the little things in life. You are right that mutual respect is key to making any marriage work. It is wonderful that you have a great marriage now. All of us who do have great mates should remember to thank God every day for them. They are a blessing beyond all other blessings. A good spouse is hard to find...... and getting harder every day.
I do have a great husband. There are things that I wish we could do together but i try not to push. I wish he'd get on this forum with me but he won't and he can't stand facebook. He has one of those fancy phones with all the apps he could ever use but he just uses it to call home and he uses it to stay in touch at work on the different work sites he has to be. He does use the news app to view traffic reports and weather reports since he has to drive approx. 42 miles home.
The only thing he has taken up during our marriage is playing musical instruments of which he has learned to play a bass guitar and a banjo. He plays bass with us at church. He also travels with me to other musical events and takes his bass and amps.
He is an excellent golfer and just as good at bowling. I have physical ailments that limit me in those areas so he rarely goes to any of these events. We like to fish and our favorite thing to do is go to the mountains where we are both from and spend a few days at a time just doing nothing unless we find some good musical groups doing their thing and we like to go to these.
We have the two vehicles, a GMC van and our little red Ford Ranger truck. I claim the Ford and call it my rebel granny truck. It has got a new rebel tag on the front end and a few bumper stickers to match. I haven't had any problems with this display on my truck-i guess granny women can get away with a little more than alot of folks. :biggrin:
Quote from: supsalemgr on August 11, 2015, 05:09:22 AM
I agree with you. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. However, we do little together outside the house. She plays tennis and bowls. I play golf. I don't go shopping and she doesn't want me to go as I make her nervous. When I need something I go "buying" - in and out. She loves movies and I do not. No problem as she has her daughter and a good friend to go to movies. OTOH, at home we are on the same page. We share chores and care for our dogs. I do the cooking and she does the eating. It is a wonderful life for both of us.
LOL, SUPRSaleMGR, I like the part about you doing the cooking and her doing the eating. That's cute!