As I Age

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

I don't trip over things,
I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management.
I need people to stop making me angry!

My people skills are just fine.
It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

The biggest lie I tell myself is
"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I talk to myself because sometimes
I need expert advice.

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it's like a mini vacation!

The day the world runs out of wine is just
too terrible to think about!

I don't have gray hair.
I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

I like my middle finger best because
it always sticks up for me!

I've lost my mind and
I'm pretty sure someone took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid,
but it can muffle the sound!

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would've put them on my knees.

When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room
and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree,
which makes it a plant,
which means it's salad....Almost.

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change ,
(including people who are too lazy to write "and",
instead using the grossly inappropriate "&" upper case symbol for it)
and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap...

...and give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Green statement: No trees were harmed in the sending of this email, but billions of electrons were really agitated .