Anyone here that has gone through a divorce?
if so what got you through it?

I'm going through one now, I know compared to a lot of worse things it is not really that bad. But can't help but get depressed. I have sought comfort with another girlfriend waiting for the process to be finished but I don't love her even though we get along good and all I really want to do is get back together with my wife, but she doesn't love me anymore.

Any tips on what to do? All my hobbies just become a chore instead of stress relieving. Work is the only place I feel good atm as I don't have time to think when working, but the problem and depression is just waiting for me back at my house.

Maybe there is no answer and it only takes time, but if you have any stories please share.

I am so sorry MS, I too have been through it, and regardless of level of love, it's still loss, and from what you've written, you loved her far more than I did my Ex. Again, sorry for the loss....
However, with that said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I believe God played a part in the demise of the relationship. (though I didn't know it at the time)

The path I shared with the Ex was definitely the wrong one, it was not me, though we shared it due to her ambitions for fame, fortune an power, neither of which I seek, but I was the vehicle she rode to get there.

But to make a long story short, I jump ahead 25 years and now live with the love of my life.

Ask God, he'll show you the direction you need to go. In the meantime, concentrate on you, what is best for you, what have you been putting off because she wasn't interested?
Now it's your time, take advantage of it.

Quote from: Solar on July 27, 2015, 06:17:15 AM
I am so sorry MS, I too have been through it, and regardless of level of love, it's still loss, and from what you've written, you loved her far more than I did my Ex. Again, sorry for the loss....
However, with that said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I believe God played a part in the demise of the relationship. (though I didn't know it at the time)

The path I shared with the Ex was definitely the wrong one, it was not me, though we shared it due to her ambitions for fame, fortune an power, neither of which I seek, but I was the vehicle she rode to get there.

But to make a long story short, I jump ahead 25 years and now live with the love of my life.

Ask God, he'll show you the direction you need to go. In the meantime, concentrate on you, what is best for you, what have you been putting off because she wasn't interested?
Now it's your time, take advantage of it.

I understand exactly where you are. I went through this about 20 years ago. Like Solar, I depended on God to get me through it. Although it has turned out best it was difficult going through it. Not that it easy, but try not to dwell upon it. Also, don't spend any time questioning what you could have done differently. That is very ineffective worrying.

Quote from: supsalemgr on July 27, 2015, 08:05:21 AM
I understand exactly where you are. I went through this about 20 years ago. Like Solar, I depended on God to get me through it. Although it has turned out best it was difficult going through it. Not that it easy, but try not to dwell upon it. Also, don't spend any time questioning what you could have done differently. That is very ineffective worrying.

Agree. There is no turning back time, it is, what it is for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be this way.
But MS, that doesn't mean you have to come to hate one another, cherrish the time you spent together, grow from the experience.

My first true love was with a beautiful girl, the kind all men search for, but after 5 years, we grew apart, our interests changed, our goals began to differ, her family had an ideal life set out for her, they were very wealthy, huge family, all girls.
They saw the same for her, huge family, I'd take over the family business, all office work, definitely not my style.
So things got rocky, but we were still best of friends, but she suggested we date other people, I explained I could not do that, so we quickly drifted in our own directions.

No blame to be had, just an amiocable parting, and to this day I have no regrets, only wonderful memories.
However, she turned bitter, bad mouths me at every opportunity, and that was more than 40 years ago.
Point is, for whatever reason, she decided to forget all the great times we spent together, and focused on hate, and that's too bad, because it still obviously consumes a part of her life.
So move on, keep the memories, they're yours to treasure.

You will grow from this experience, and don't blame yourself regardless of what you think you could have done differently.

MS
You have always had some of the most insightful comments here so it is a shocker to hear you are having marital problems.  It is good to hear that you at least have the abiding love for your other that you started out with.  Sometimes we are handed situations that we don't know how to handle and you have indicated this as much in your comments.  Not one of us has had the same experience as you, similar maybe but not the same.  This tells me that your solution will be the same, similar but not exactly like the solutions that all of us have come up with.  One thing most of the comments agree on and that is to do some soul searching, and by all means ask God for His amazing grace to help you find the right path to take. 

My story is different than some commented on here.  I didn't take my time and search for the "right" one.  I think I was in love with love or the idea most young girls have about love.   I had everything to live for and my chances were as good as anyone elses.  My character was in tact and I didn't want to make a mistake but I guess I was more interested in making a nest than what kind of nest it would be.  Turns out the nest burned up because it was made in hell, pure hell.  I didn't go with my husband long enough to find out what kind of person he really was.  Not that it would have helped but I think I could have recognized bad character had I taken the time to do so.  Lord knows I had every proverb preached to me while growing up and I applied these to myself.  Little did I know that everyone had different rearings than I did.  Mine was strict, his was scatterbrained.  Reality is a hard teacher.

My first husband and I divorced after 12 years and 4 children later.  There was love at first  but then came the abuse which no free person should consent to so I left and stayed to myself until the last few years.  I raised my children by myself with my parents nearby for moral support.  I'm remarried to a retired military man and getting along couldn't be better.  I've got a few health issues but I am in good hands with him.  I'm retired, but he still works, a different kind of holic and he swears he'll work until he drops.  He's got a good trade(Electrician) so we are comfortable.  When he decides we need a break, we go to the mountains on retreat and look for bears!   

What does your ex think about the girl friend?  Wouldn't that possibly be a threat to any kind of reconsiliation with the ex?   Does the new friend know that you still love your wife?  Last question, where do you want us to send flowers and a sympathy card in case one them kills you?   Situations like yours have been known to cause killings, so be careful.   

In any case, good luck and peace be with you in making some tough changes in your life.

Quote from: Mountainshield on July 27, 2015, 04:28:20 AMMaybe there is no answer and it only takes time, but if you have any stories please share.

You didn't say how long this divorce has been going on, but it sounds to me like you are still mourning the loss of your marriage. 

You also didn't give the reason for the break-up.  Did you just drift or did she leave you for someone else?  Kids involved?

Getting dumped, especially if you were unaware, can be a hard thing to get over.  If I were you, and it was still hurting to where I was depressed, I would get some counseling.  It's probably just a time thing, I'm sure there are stages you go through, just like grieving for someone when they die.   

I don't know your spiritual situation, but I highly recommend finding a large church which likely has a small group of members who are going through divorce or have been divorced for years.  They are a good support group for you at this time.  Most churches now have these small support groups for divorcees.

Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.

Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.

The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.

The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)

Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well 

Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AM
Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.

Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.

The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.

The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)

Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well 

Dealing with someone in denial can be very difficult. If she will not accept her condition there is nothing you can do to change that and it will only frustrate you further. It seems you are on the right track thinking about moving back to your home area. That is positive thinking and what is best for you.

Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AM
Thanks all, reading your stories helped a lot.

Yeah there are many things I have had to give up because of Marriage, mostly all of my friends because I had to move to another city for my wife. This is an opportunity to move back to my family city where my previous friends still are. In Norway and Europe in general it is not normal to move out of your birthplace. Also opportunity to get back into the hobbies I had to give up because they were too time consuming for married life. About keeping good memories, at this point I'm only thinking about the good times while acknowledging the bad, but like your ex wife my ex wife is also only focusing on the bad moments which sometimes turns into hateful rants. You are right though this is an experience and it has given me many good memories, good to know many have gotten through it, and much harder. It was only 5 year relationship. no kids though.

The reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.

The divorce has been going on for only about 4 months, so it's 8 months left to its final according to Norwegian law. I guess it can be looked upon as cheating having a girlfriend at this point, and I don't want to make excuses for it. My wife don't know about my gf because I'm still hoping she will come back, but yeah you are right it could ruin any reconciliation. My gf know about the divorce process and that I'm not still sure which is why I'm not living with my gf every week. Hehe I will be careful :)

Hmm at least the future doesn't look so bleak anymore, hopefully I can look back and say it was for the better as well 

OMG MS, I know the roller coaster ride you took being married to a bipolar.
I was married to one in denial and dated another years later.

The EX wife could be a world of joy, entertainment, fun beyond belief, but a Jekyll and Hyde could show up in an instant,
Ran into a beautiful girl years later, and I knew there was something wrong, because she was too good to be true, and after a month she showed her true colors, she showed an exact opposite image of the girl I'd met earlier, evil beyond belief.

Even her family said "Run Like Hell, she'll eat you alive and destroy your life, it's what she does"
But that was a worse case scenario, there are milder cases, but they all take you for a ride, because it's all about them, and screw everyone else, which I imagine you discovered.

Count your blessings MS, God knows you tried and forgives you.

Quote from: Mountainshield on July 28, 2015, 12:47:45 AMThe reason for the divorce, I guess it is because she has been diagnosed as bipolar by three different doctors but she refuses to accept it and always stops taking the medication for it. So last time when she psychotic attack I broke myself and said I wanted divorce, so it was I who initiated it I guess. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things I could have done different, more specific feeling guilty for not being stronger, we made an oath to God to be together until death and because she is sick and when she needed me the most I failed. She is happy living alone with her mother now and says that how she want to live.

Several years ago I read a book about living with someone who has BPD, borderline personality disorder.  There are a lot of similarities between BPD and being bi-polar.  It was titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It's got to be very difficult living that way, not knowing from one minute to the next, what her behaviors are going to be.  Marriage is tough enough, and it takes two to make it work.  It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for not sticking it out.  We all have our limits, of what we can put up with.  You should probably work on the guilt thing.  Even if you went back with her and tried again, there are no guarantees she's going to want to get help or if it's even possible for her to change.  It sounds like it would be a life long struggle.     

Quote from: Dori on July 28, 2015, 07:37:48 AM
Several years ago I read a book about living with someone who has BPD, borderline personality disorder.  There are a lot of similarities between BPD and being bi-polar.  It was titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It's got to be very difficult living that way, not knowing from one minute to the next, what her behaviors are going to be.  Marriage is tough enough, and it takes two to make it work.  It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for not sticking it out.  We all have our limits, of what we can put up with.  You should probably work on the guilt thing.  Even if you went back with her and tried again, there are no guarantees she's going to want to get help or if it's even possible for her to change.  It sounds like it would be a life long struggle.   

Good advice.
In a large percentage of these cases, self medication is a serious problem, that only exacerbates the problem (drug abuse).
They YOYO in and out of depression, then medicate, get clean, only to crash in the future.

Quote from: Solar on July 28, 2015, 07:43:44 AM
Good advice.
In a large percentage of these cases, self medication is a serious problem, that only exacerbates the problem (drug abuse).
They YOYO in and out of depression, then medicate, get clean, only to crash in the future.

I don't think people are ever 100% diagnosed correctly, and getting the meds adjusted correctly is a constant on going process that has to be changed from time to time.  Our body chemistries are always changing. People can develop a sensitivity to or the drugs just quit working altogether.  Also, if there are other medical issues, the meds needed for those conditions can interfere with the others. There are no magic pills that can fix everything once and for all.     

Quote from: Dori on July 28, 2015, 08:26:15 AM
I don't think people are ever 100% diagnosed correctly, and getting the meds adjusted correctly is a constant on going process that has to be changed from time to time.  Our body chemistries are always changing. People can develop a sensitivity to or the drugs just quit working altogether.  Also, if there are other medical issues, the meds needed for those conditions can interfere with the others. There are no magic pills that can fix everything once and for all.   

What I was eluding to, and I should have just said it, was in many cases, these symptoms are self inflicted, exacerbated and created by drugs, which creates a myriad of symptoms because drugs rearrange the brains chemistry.
In a lot of these cases, as you pointed out, aren't classic cases, they can be influenced by depression, schizoid effects mixed with a history of violence, but the get mislabeled as bipolar, in turn mistreated, making certain symptoms worse, as we see with these massmurders going off their meds.

Sometimes treatment is worse than the original sin, especially when misdiagnosed.

It is eggshells but also a constant fear for any change in temperament meant I was in for it, for example one trigger was two teenagers laughing in the street of something, another trigger was me getting a phone message where a friend said "heya" so it can be anything and is impossible to predict.

I think I need to careful as to not get bitter myself as I come the conclusion that it is completely over, one part of me is just hoping for the impossible. So yeah yor are right Dori I need to work on overcoming my guilt since it will not be washed away by a reconciliation since that is not coming.  But reading this thread I'm left very certain that it is for the better. I'm only 29 so like you said Solar I will count my blessings and view it as opportunity to start my thirties with a fresh start and more experience to handle a potential future relationship, maybe see where my current one will go, but I will take it real slow this time. Use the time for self betterment and exercise.

Thanks for your time and your stories, it really helps