My favorite joke

Started by fjwjr, June 25, 2020, 05:35:06 PM

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fjwjr

So, this baby harp seal walks into a club........

HawkTheSlayer


After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

HawkTheSlayer

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

HawkTheSlayer

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

HawkTheSlayer

Quotes from Insurance Forms:

"The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

Sick Of Silence

With all these lawyers with cameras on the street i'm shocked we have so much crime in the world.

There is constitutional law and there is law and order. This challenge to law and order is always the start to loosing our constitutional rights.

Frauditors are a waste of life.

HawkTheSlayer

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

HawkTheSlayer

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.

HawkTheSlayer

I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
Evil is da Devil, minus da D.