How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it Is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Just think there the smart attorneys.   

Being on more than several jury's, this is not news to me.

What can I say the attorneys like what I said on both sides.   

I've met these lawyers, and yes, like Obola, they too graduated. (sarc)
But it makes you wonder if they ever attended class in person, because it simply doesn't make sense how someone that couldn't learn how to tie their own shoes, let alone function in life, became a lawyer.
Just like Obola's claim to be a Constitutional scholar.

Quote from: Solar on February 25, 2015, 03:20:51 PM
I've met these lawyers, and yes, like Obola, they too graduated. (sarc)
But it makes you wonder if they ever attended class in person, because it simply doesn't make sense how someone that couldn't learn how to tie their own shoes, let alone function in life, became a lawyer.
Just like Obola's claim to be a Constitutional scholar.

I damn near fell out of my chair reading some of these.  Wow. 

I think that lawyers, like many high-level professionals, can suffer from a number of typical... handicaps.

First, lawyers in many instances are utterly enamored with the sound of their own voices. As a result, a lawyer sometimes speaks, not so much to make a point or even ask a sensible question, but rather to hear the sound of that marvelous voice contained in his very own throat.

Second, lawyers are seldom very good at much of anything else except being a lawyer. I have been paid astounding sums of money over the years for doing relatively simple things for lawyers that they couldn't begin to do for themselves. Assemble a bicycle. Replace a dryer belt. Change the valve cartridge in the kitchen sink. Tune up the riding mower. Retrieve a tennis ball that was blocking a downspout. Replace a light switch.

In that sense, lawyers are much like reporters. In my experience, reporters are people who can't actually do much of anything, so they try to write about other people who can, and get it completely wrong almost all the time.

Quote from: TboneAgain on February 25, 2015, 08:10:45 PM
I damn near fell out of my chair reading some of these.  Wow. 

I think that lawyers, like many high-level professionals, can suffer from a number of typical... handicaps.

First, lawyers in many instances are utterly enamored with the sound of their own voices. As a result, a lawyer sometimes speaks, not so much to make a point or even ask a sensible question, but rather to hear the sound of that marvelous voice contained in his very own throat.

Second, lawyers are seldom very good at much of anything else except being a lawyer. I have been paid astounding sums of money over the years for doing relatively simple things for lawyers that they couldn't begin to do for themselves. Assemble a bicycle. Replace a dryer belt. Change the valve cartridge in the kitchen sink. Tune up the riding mower. Retrieve a tennis ball that was blocking a downspout. Replace a light switch.

In that sense, lawyers are much like reporters. In my experience, reporters are people who can't actually do much of anything, so they try to write about other people who can, and get it completely wrong almost all the time.

Yep, I've dated their daughters, and the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
This is very much inline with teachers, or rather professors, and their inability to understand the subject they've been hired to teach.
As long as they have a book and follow the curriculum, no students in class challenge them, they are free to spew nonsense to empty sponges.
And the result? More freakin lawyers.